Literally 2AM... and I'm definately awake!
I was sleeping... well, at least I was trying to. And then I realized I had to write before.
I'm sad... actually, I'm feeling kinda awkward. Awkward without any reason to be, may I say.
I don't know how much I want to write about this. All along with my awkwardness, there's this feeling of wanting to speak it out loud. I've shut my mouth for far too long. I need to put it out, scream... because I've never been giving the opportunity to scream. Now it's the time...
This is gonna be very specific. It's not gonna be one of those posts people have no idea of what I'm talking about. Anyone who knows me a little is familiar with the subject. Along with specific, comes rudeness. I'm rude and I'll be, because otherwise I won't be able to get through this post.
This past year and half was very weird. I lost my faith in people, I got disappointed, I had to face some serious worries that people didn't seem to care enough to ask, I found myself struggling to decide if what I do is worth, if I really wanted to pursue a singing career. So I shut up, I kept it all inside... feeding the beasts inside of me, losing the rest of humanity I had... It had lots of low moments and the high one is keeping me from sleeping now (in a good way) - this is exactly my subject today.
The second semester of 2010 brought some feelings I hadn't felt for a while. The depression that tortured me back in 2007 was trying to hit me hard. Caused mostly by... how can I say this?... professional avoidance and social despair, I thought that depression crisis had come back to stay. Singing was not helping anymore... It was just helping me to cry (even more). So I did some REALLY stupid things: I tried to solve my nervous problems with personal acts. Of course it didn't solve a shit!
So 2011 began with the same crap. I hated what I was studying (I still hate that), couldn't deal with the new relationship I was in, I wasn't having fun... Not seeing the end of the winding road, I asked for help and pills started taking cared of me. Those saint pills! Anti-depressives, pills to sleep... many kinds of drugs. It helps you to get centered, to get back on your feet. But...
You don't feel sad, you don't feel happy, or angry, or weird... you simply don't feel anything. Those couple of months of medication helped a lot, but the price was kind of spicy...
I'd been through that before and I knew the way back to routine had to be smooth. Stopping the pills has to come with peace. You cannot fall quickly otherwise you'll probably never recover. You have to stand tall for a while, just enough to get used to normal again.
It's not easy, not at all! You become impulsive, impatient, have constant mood shifts, you just can't shut the fuck up. - any similarity to me nowadays?
In the levels of health I was also going through a lot. Low immunity problems, a huge breast cancer shadow, emotional problems...
I always used this as a way out. Back in my days of teenager I would kill (fictional) people, today I just write. So that was a very hard time for me. I had to write. It was almost like needing to pee. Because... what did I have left? I seem to boicott all of my relationships, my mom would treat me like a toddler. This was it.
But see, I know I make mistakes, I understand I'm not always right. And it actually isn't a question of being right or wrong. Let's assume I was wrong, it's not the point, it doesn't matter. I started this post with a quote from a song. The same song says:
"And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
'Cause these words are my diary screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use it
However you want to"
I didn't expect it. When you use my personal life to get to me professionally, that's when it starts to matter. Specially when the other person is fucking clueless about it...
To threaten me, in that moment, broke my fragile heart and I wasn't ready for it. I remember crying for days and nights, I coudn't concentrate... My tests were coming and I started freaking out because I just couldn't study (The end: 4 tests, 4 As - I have no idea how that happened!). Again, this is not the matter of being right or wrong... and I was about to find out it was the matter of humanity.
Even today I can't understand what happened that Friday afternoon. It didn't make any sense, the story changed, the reasons changed... It also didn't matter: I was hurt. He made me fall so abruptly, that I was in pieces. So... back to drugs. And (un)fortunately I commented it somewhere...
The result? Ha, that's my favorite funny part... worry. Fuck, you threaten me then you get worried? Jesus Christ, was that correct? That was the end of the road for me... I coudn't dare to trust people. So I closed myself for pretty much everything else.
It took me a long time to get back. People would avoid this subject because I would explode. But I actually needed to explode, I was counting on anybody who would make it come out, but again... nobody. It's been like 6 months since... some more health problems, some more headaches...
I'm getting better. Still hurt, still wounded, but getting better.
But I can't seem to find the word "trust" on my dictionaire anymore...
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I finished this around 4AM
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